Chapter 6: Self-Awareness

“To name my wound, claim my wound, and heal my wound by being aware of it and thoughtful of how it functions in the couple relationship is the dawning of insight and movement towards a more secure pattern.” – Dr. Rovers
To find out how to do this and become more self aware, check out this chapter on self-awareness in relationships.

Chapter 6 Summary: Know Thyself

“Know thyself” are the wise and guiding words of Socrates. In this chapter Martin calls couples to the need to wake up, to know ourselves, and to understand their own contribution to the marriage problem. The journey to love and fulfillment in life begins with an understanding of oneself.  Self-insight is the ability to accept one’s disagreeable as well as desirable qualities.  Perhaps I have anger management issues, or depression, or I went to family therapy years ago. Partners cannot solve couple problems by staying at the same level of self awareness, the same level of interaction. Someone will have to start looking at the issues from different perspectives and with an open curiosity about the development of these couple issues. This is where marriage counselling can help. Most couples come to couples therapy and begin the conversation with the word “you!!” And the person’s finger is usually always pointing at their partner. “It is all your fault“!;  “you have got to change!”. We need to learn that I need to take responsibility for my own contribution to any problem / issues in the relationship with my partner.  My wounds are born within my family of origin, and I need to take responsibility about how I will integrate my wounds. If there is to be love on earth, it has to begin with me.

In order to know myself better and become a more objective observer of myself as I am present in my relationship with my partner, I need to study myself, especially within the context of my family of origin. We all want to understand “why” I am as I am, doing what I am doing. Doing my own family of origin work is difficult. Psychotherapy or counselling can help me see my wounds as they are. One way to do this research on your own family is to do your family map or genogram. This can help me to name my wound, claim my wound and heal my wound by being aware of it and thoughtful of how it functions in the couple relationship is the dawning of insight and movement towards a more mature / secure / differentiated attachment pattern. We each have a wound or two. By naming this, we can move the dance of wounds into a dance of love again.