The Difference Between Helping and Enabling

Written By: Judy Kiar, M.A., Psychotherapist, Capital Choice Counselling Group

One of the really challenging aspects of relationships is finding a balance between helping and supporting each other and going too far. When we use the term “enabling” we mean that by our actions we are making it possible for another person to achieve or maintain their own behaviour. This can be positive in some ways, like driving your child to the pool enables her to swim, but most of the time we see enabling in a more negative light. In addictions lingo, enabling is seen as one person’s contribution to the other person’s habit. The non-addict gets some kind of pay off from the other’s addiction related behaviors. An example of this is the wife who picks up beer for the weekend because she believes her husband will be easier to deal with if he’s had a few drinks. This is also known as codependence.

Aside from addictions, one of the trickiest areas to find the right balance in helping is in child rearing. Because children start off completely dependent on us there is a constant demand for our caregiving and support. Of course, as children get older, they gain skills and competence and can do more for themselves. Most of us remember the phase during which our three year olds insist on doing things for themselves, “No! Me do it.” becomes a common refrain. We recognize that letting a three-year-old dress himself will take longer than if we do it for him but we also realize that he needs to learn this task of independence. As our children grow up they are supposed to learn all the skills that they will need to be fully functioning adults. Our job as parents is to help and support this learning by teaching them how to master the tasks rather than just doing the tasks for them. Yes, we help a lot with homework and school projects in the beginning, but before we send our youngsters off to work, college or university they need to know how to attack a problem and get the job done on their own. This is not to say that they won’t ever need help again, we all need help from time to time. Help should be asked for and be a spring-board to learning the skills and gaining independence.

We hear a lot about high youth unemployment and how hopeless many young people feel at limited job prospects and opportunities. It is far more common today for 25 year olds to still be living in their parents’ homes and working part time, if at all, than it was twenty or thirty years ago. I wonder if we are doing enough to help our young people learn to be fully functioning, independent adults. In our desire to look after them and our fear about all the dangers they face perhaps we are not doing a good enough job preparing them for real life.From a young age, children need to know about, understand and for the most part respect the rules, responsibilities and expectations within our homes and communities. They need to do chores and learn to contribute to the common good. They need to learn to take responsibility for their actions and to make amends when appropriate.They need to learn about setting goals and working hard to achieve them. They need to learn to balance their time, energy and resources. All of these skills are what makes a competent fully functioning adult.

I know it sounds like a pretty tall order but I really don’t think it needs to be. If you are lovingly involved in your children’s lives, you can help them recognize their strengths and weaknesses and how to work with them. Encouragement and honesty are important. The message that you want to give them is that they can achieve whatever they chose so long as they figure out what is needed and how to get there. This is helping not enabling. The message you want to give is, “I believe in you to be able to figure this out”. As a parent you participate in the discussion and offer suggestions but you let your young person figure it out. You expect that your young person will be able to do this. This is why chores, summer,part-time jobs, and volunteering are important. They broaden our kids’ experience and expertise and give them a better understanding of the world. They teach them about having to work for things and to develop competence.

When parents give their children the message that their efforts aren’t good enough and don’t teach them how to work for what they want, things can break down pretty badly in adolescence and young adulthood. My advice to parents is to start early and help your children learn responsibility and problem solving. Don’t be so afraid of being unpopular that you become a slave to their desires or demands.Teach them to work for the things they want. There are jobs out there.They may be bottom of the ladder jobs for minimum wage, but that’s exactly where most of us began our work lives. There is far more to be learned by flipping burgers to pay for your own cell phone than by sitting in your parents’ basement texting on the one they pay for. An enabling parent is one who settles for the least their child can be. A caring and supportive one helps their young people engage in life and find ways to strive to be their best.

Judy Kiar received her Master’s of Pastoral Counselling degree from Saint Paul University in 2000, with a specialization in couple and family therapy. She is currently with Capital Choice Counselling Group in the Ottawa South area.