Written by: Dr. Martin Rovers, Capital Choice Counselling Group
Falling in love is suppose to be easy, natural, and meant for life-long happiness. Too many times it ends in failure and hurt, and we can’t believe that we fell for that same type of person again. What went wrong? How can we avoid falling in love with a jerk, male or female? The first step is to transform the above questions into “What are my old bad relationships habits?” and then, ” So, how do I get ready for love?” These thoughts are inspired by a book of the same title of this post, written by Dr. John Van Epp.
Our culture perpetuates the idea that, once a couple has fallen in love, everything will be just fine, and they will live happily ever after. In fact, only half of marriages last. … and this statistic is even less for second relationships. What lovers often miss is that meeting the right person, falling in love, and engaging in a lifelong commitment is really a whole lot of work. Yes WORK … work on myself first of all to make myself the best person I can be. I need to get myself ready for love and commitment. There is a premise in couple relationships that we will choose a partner of equally maturity / immaturity. Therefore, by becoming the most mature and stable person you can be would give you the better guarantee of choosing a more mature partner.
A second step would be to be sure I am free and ready for a relationship. This might mean grieving the loss of any previous relationship, as well and learning the lessons why a previous relationship may have gone wrong. What was my contribution to my previous couple problems? What lesson did I learn about myself and possible relationships wounds I may have?
Jerks come in both feminine and masculine bodies. Some criterion for identifying a jerk include:
1) Persistent resistance of ever changing their core qualities;
2) The habit of breaking boundaries;
3) Inability to see things from another person’s perspective;
4) Dangerous lack of emotional controls and balance;
5) You are the fifth partner is five years;
6) The finger is usually pointing in the direction of their partner when you ask the reason why the previous relationship did not work.
Emotionally unstable men and women (i.e jerks) typically have their best showing in the early stages of a relationship. They are like the Lone Ranger of love: they look good in the beginning but when you ask them about their feelings and life direction, they get ants in their emotional pants and have to hit the trail again. Therapy might be a good way to know yourself better in terms of relationships. We all come from different schools of love, called our family of origin, and how we learned love there will greatly influence the way we are in couple relationships. Life long lasting couple relationships are well worth the work now.
Dr. Rovers is a Psychologist with Capital Choice Counselling Group, and offers therapy for individuals, couples, and families. To learn more about him, you can read his profile here.