Married couples who suffer long periods without sexual contact will attempt to analyze and understand their situation, but often don’t have the objective perspective to do so properly. Their biases bring them to incorrect conclusions, leading them to act in ways that are not helpful to improving their relationship. Resentment builds, blame is cast, and problems get worse. With Capital Choice Counselling and our marriage counselling, it doesn’t have to be this way.
Don’t Analyze Alone
People who suffering from dead bedrooms naturally respond by trying to find out how they have contributed to the problem. They mentally replay their interactions with their partner endlessly in analyze what they did or didn’t do right. A growing feeling develops that there is be something about them that causes their partner to push them away, or to push away their partner. Questions concerning what it is and why it wasn’t a problem earlier in the relationship make their way into their minds, and self-blame starts.
This is a product of poor communication, and can be helped by learning how to talk openly about sex with your partner.
So how do you do it?
Find a non-sexual environment that you and your partner can talk freely without interruption, and set aside time that both parties know will be devoted to talking openly and honestly about the problem.
An environment of openness and honesty is your ticket to making this discussion successful, so both parties need to know it is absolutely safe to be 100% honest.
Sex is a sensitive subject, so it’s important to know how to act sensitively when talking sex. Our sexual thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are often be wrapped up in considerable shame and are extremely difficult to share, even to those closest to us, often even to ourselves! Consider how it would feel to expose your deepest, darkest secrets to someone you love, only to have them to react without compassion. Do you think you’d ever do something like that again? This is why the first priority of your mutual discussion is to react sensitively and with compassion.
In order to maintain an environment of openness and honesty, it’s important for both parties to avoid blaming. Think before you speak, have your sentence fully formed in your mind before you speak it. Discussions like these bring up deep, powerful emotions that threaten anyone’s capacity for self-control. If your partner exposes a deep part of themselves that they’ve been hiding, you may well experience feelings that threaten your ability to control yourself. If either of you lose control, and cast blame on the other after they’ve revealed something deep about themselves, you can expect them to defend themselves. This is how fights start and marital problems go unsolved.
You can tell that a discussion is going well when there are extensive pauses between each persons statements, and they are only making statements about themselves. This indicates that both parties are working hard at acting rationally and giving proper consideration to precisely what they are saying, and not casting any kind of judgement on the other person. They are working to ensure that they are both exposing, not evaluating, their thoughts and feelings.
If Your Partner is Avoiding
Not many are comfortable with directly dealing with thoughts and feelings so deep inside of them, let alone doing so with another. The prospect of having this talk can cause tremendous anxiety, and manifest avoiding behavior.
If your trying to set aside time to have this talk, and your partner is obstructing or procrastinating, it’s wise to shift focus away from talking about your problems, and towards talking about why they don’t want to talk. Many people simply lack the ability to comfortably articulate their feelings. Building their comfort by reinforcing positive experiences talking sexually can create momentum and lead to positive change in your relationship.
If you find yourself in a situation where your partner won’t talk, there are ways around the problem. When the direct approach doesn’t work, consider Mojo Upgrade, a test that both of you can take separately and help you uncover each others sexual needs and preferences. This is an alternative to direct discussion, and can uncover feelings and fantasies you share that neither of you have discussed. Not only will this help revitalize your bedroom, but it will provide a positive experience in sexual communication that will prime future discussions.
Relationships are complex and require a lot of work. The solution to your relationship problem is not going to be found in a single article, but its always a good idea to keep reading.
For a more comprehensive understanding of the problems you are facing in your relationship, Capital Choice Counselling recommends you check out the following resources:
This book ought to be required reading for anyone in a long-term committed relationship. It will help you understand the needs, wants, and expectations your partner holds but may have trouble articulating. This book has established a fantastic reputation in marriage counselling, and has help breathe life into many stagnant relationships.
This link leads to a talk given by world renowned marriage therapist Michele Weiner-Davis concerning the subject matter of her book of the same title. While this video is a fantastic resource, we also recommend getting your hands on a copy of the book.
This book deals exclusively with female sexuality, but by no means is just for girls. The product of scientists the world over trying and failing to create ‘the pink pill'; Viagra for females. This book explains why scientists will forever be unable to create such a pill, and reveals the incredible insight they developed concerning the inner workings of female sexuality.
Earlier in this article it was mentioned that many have problems articulating their sexual thoughts and feelings. This book seeks to develop that capacity, and so much more. Even if you do not consider yourself deficient in terms of your ability to talk about sex, it will help you cultivate your ability to speak openly about sexual desires in your relationship.
Sometimes sexual problems aren’t psychological, but physiological instead. This book delves into many of the hormonal realities women face, and the problems they can have on mood, self-esteem, sexual drive, and more. Using rigorous scientific methodology, author Sara Gottfried provides solutions to this reality that don’t involve simply accepting these feelings or popping pills.
This book is a series of case studies that reflect the experiences of Dr. David Schnarch in his decades working as a marriage counselor. In it, he explains why so many marriages have couples that love and care for each other, but inevitably fall victim to the same problems. Chances are you are not the first person to experience the problem you are facing in your relationship, and may well find a story about another couple who overcame the same problem. Regardless, this book will serve to expand and deepen your understanding of the problems long-term relationships inevitably face, including your own.
Capital Choice Counselling
Perhaps the most effective resource available to relationships that are suffering from sexless relationships is the assistance of professionals experienced breathing life into dead bedrooms. For this, Capital Choice Counselling is here to help.
If you are interested in relationship counselling, we have experts at the ready to lend assistance. Simply head to this page, fill out the contact form with a brief explanation of your problem, and one of our representatives will reach out to you with the options available to you in Ottawa.
This form by no means commits you to any obligation, nor comes with any fee. If you’re interested in booking sessions for you and your significant other, we can absolutely do that. If you simply have some questions, we’d be happy to answer them too. All it takes is simply getting in touch, and we can help you access what you need to bring life back into a dead bedroom.