E-Book
Table of Contents
Chapter 1: Family of Origin
Family of origin is a term that refers simply to the environment that one grows up in. It can be a source of great strength and comfort, as well as a source of anxiety, stress, and trauma. Often we replicate conditions in our current relationships that mimic our past environment, and Dr. Rovers walks us through this reality in this first chapter. Below is a summary of Chapter 1:
The Wounds are Born
We each have a wound or two! Welcome to the human race! Interspersed with all the gifts and values that we have inherited from our family of origin is a wound or two, perhaps in the form of an attachment injury or a piece of unfinished business, or a problem that we just keep tripping over time and time again. Perhaps it is anxiety, or anger, or an addiction. These family of origin wounds are born and often embedded in us by the time we are 2-5 years of age, also known as the ‘formative years’. From that day forward, these wounds dance throughout our personal interactions, and especially in intimate relationships.
These wounds make their presence known especially in our love relationships with parents, with our partner, and later, with our children. They are like old habits, like “holes in the sidewalk” of our love relationships that we, all too often, fall into. Indeed, these wounds act as coach, director, and choreographer of the dance we will present in our love relationships unless serious efforts, like couple counselling or family therapy, are made to bring the wounds to awareness and new thoughtful steps of relating with others are inaugurated and mastered.
Like it or not, each of us has been given a family of origin, and this will be the only family of origin we will ever have. In a sense, therefore, family of origin is really just an accident of birth, parents and siblings we did not order or choose. So, we had better get used to our family of origin, try to get to know ourselves within our family of origin, even get to like our family.
We need to make peace with our family of origin, because in making peace with our family of origin, we are really making peace with ourselves, with our partners, and with the world at large. We are naming and claiming our wounds and thus, we are making peace with our future love relationships. The ability to love a future partner has its roots in how love was learned within one’s family of origin. I have seen how often wounds can be named and claimed and tamed through counselling and psychotherapy.
I have come to appreciate the phenomenal power parents have to mold the lives of their children, for better and for worse. We can often recognize this in others first. We can see how some people repeat the patterns they have learned from their parents. One woman repeats the perfectionism about child rearing that she hated in her growing up days while a man repeats the anger just like his father did. A husband begins to withdraw from the marriage and becomes passive like his father while a wife becomes the screamer she always feared in her mother.
The one who usually blames others marries the one who often feels guilty. Yet it is more difficult to see some of these inherited interactional patterns and problems in ourselves. This chapter is about taking a hard look at our own family of origin so that we might discover why we act like we do in our relationships. Perhaps it is doing anger management to get in touch with anger in me. Often it needs to be couples therapy that opens our eyes to our wounds. Understanding the ‘why’, and gaining insight into the deeper dynamics of my person is the beginning of change for the better.
Chapter 2: Discovering Wounds
"A wound can be described as the button that gets pushed, the trigger, the reaction, the gut feeling that catapults me back into an old feeling or pattern of action. It is the “same damn thing” feeling, an automatic response, a knee jerk reaction that triggers the patterns or ruts we find ourselves in.” These wounds are a common reason for distress in couple relationships, parenting difficulties, as well as struggles with anxiety and depression. As the common wisdom states, acknowledging your wound is the first step to healing and beginning new patterns. To learn more, read the chapter below. Below is a summary of Chapter 2:
My Wounds, as Best as I Know Them Now
We each have a wound or two because that is the nature of being human; it’s life. It isn't our fault! There are no perfect parents. In concert with major psychological developmental theories, like cognitive behavioural therapy, or attachment theory, these wounds are developed within us by the time we are 2-5 years of age. Aspects of these wounds will be firm characteristics and enduring qualities. Wounds might be lifelong depression or anxiety. When each of us left home, we packed these wounds along with our clothes. The wounds travel with us, even if we moved thousands of miles away from home to “get away from” dysfunctional families of origin.
This can be named unfinished business of the developmental stages or unresolved issues of the road to interdependence or skewed attachment patterns. These are the “holes in the sidewalk” of our relationships that we can tend to fall into from time to time, a repetition of old habits. This period of relationship development stretches anywhere from age 15 to 25, and often this can stretch until the age of 45. For the most part, we do not see these wounds until later in life or when we are immersed in a mid-life crisis. Maybe we need couple therapy or marriage counselling to notice these wounds.
On this road to relationship development, there are no mistakes, only lessons, until we come to see and accept ourselves as we really are. A mature sense of self is in place when we can look in the mirror and accept and love ourselves as we are. These are my wounds, as best as I know them at this stage.
Wounds are not big deep psychological problems that need psychiatrists to heal them. I am not talking about mental disorders like post traumatic stress disorder. Wounds can overtake us like a mood, a persona, a feeling, an automatic reaction. Wounds are like old tapes; blueprints of our past; road maps that have guided us, nay, staggered and muddled us, to this moment. Wounds are our unmanageability, or an addiction.
To change our blueprints is a very daring and creative act. A wound can be described as the button that gets pushed, the trigger, the reaction, the gut feeling that catapults me back into an old feeling or pattern of action. It is the “same damn thing” feeling, an automatic response, a knee jerk reaction. Wounds are hidden in the character defects we have: some are concealed, others are just ignored, but our baggage always catches up with us and, eventually, we are forced to unpack the suitcase and take another look, up close and personal, at the baggage we brought with us from home. Counselling services or psychotherapy can help as we unpack our wounds.
Chapter 3: Falling in Love
"Falling in love is easy....” What happens when we fall in love? Why do we choose the partners we have? This chapter explores the theory of falling in love, and points us towards what is helpful for staying in love. Below is a summary of Chapter 3:
Falling in Love: Love Blinds Us to the Wounds
When young adults leave their family of origin, they leave with both positive and negative characteristics, attributes and patterns of love imprinted in their heart and innermost being. Most people will then go on to seek a person to love and begin their own family of creation. We all seek to love and to be loved, to know another and to be known. Loving, communicating and parenting are among the most important, yet difficult tasks done by human beings, and these are tasks for which we probably never took a course in high school or university. Sometimes we need couple counselling or marriage therapy to really learn to bring my ways of loving and communicating on the same page as my partner.
There are several theories about falling in love. In this chapter, two such theories are examined; 1) the bio-chemical view of love, here called the cocktail of love theory; and 2) the unconscious dance of wounds here called the needs satisfaction theory.
We fall in love. Put in a rather crass way, falling in love is life’s way to suck us into procreation. In time, the falling in love feeling begins to diminish and the real work of marriage needs to begin, which he calls the discipline of love. As such, falling in love can have as much to do with chemistry and arousal, proximity, needs satisfaction or good old true love. Many factors and situation variables can enhance or facilitate the falling in love process. These include the power of proximity, the role played by arousal, the traits of the beloved and the role of beauty and character. Similarity seems to play a major role in a couple’s initial attraction.
It is theorized that people, when falling in love, choose a partner who is at the same level of differentiation. Differentiation here can best be described as emotional maturity and/or immaturity. Another way to word this is to say that we marry a partner of equal woundedness. Our partner is of equal maturity as ourselves. Childhood wounds or attachment injuries or unfinished business can hinder our ability to love. Depression, anxiety, or childhood trauma makes love more difficult. The need for anger management often shows up in love relationships. Counselling services or psychotherapy can help.
There can be confusion between the initial experience of ‘falling’ in love and the longer lasting stage of ‘being’ in love or as some might better say, ‘standing’ in love. Love is not about losing oneself in the other but of standing and preserving one’s integrity, one’s individuality. Love is not a passive falling for but an active standing with. The reasons why we fall in love will not necessarily be the reasons why we stay in love with our partner. Talking with your partner in couples counselling can help both partners recreate a larger love story about their relationship.
Chapter 4: Honeymoon
Martin Rovers wrote this book “for people who want to love and be loved; who want to know where love comes from; how it works; how love can live or die; and especially how to live a fuller loving life with a partner.”
Rovers shows how the families in which we were raised continue to influence our relationships long after childhood has ended. This influence can take the form of deeply felt wounds. When love is wounded, how does love get healed?
In order to help readers grapple with this “woundedness,” he presents a series of individual-focused and couple-focused therapeutic strategies for emotional growth and health. Below is Chapter 4, which walks us through what can happen when we begin the real work of learning to love our partner, faults and all. You may feel that you have fallen out of love with your partner, and if so, then please read below. At the end are an exercise that you can do individually or as a couple, which are aimed to promoting further self awareness and growth in your relationship.
It doesn’t stop there--to continue reading about how to connect further in your relationship, check out the rest of the chapters here.
The Honeymoon is Over
If love is blind, then marriage is a real eye opener!!! The honeymoon period of being in love, which can last anywhere from six months to six years, is a time when we are blinded to the full reality of who our partner really is. We expect love from our partners and we expect them to soothe and heal our unmet childhood needs and wounds, but love cannot carry that weighted expectation forever. Our partners cannot answer all our needs. Couples counselling and family of origin therapy can help each partner see the bigger picture.
The reasons why we fall in love will not always remain the reasons why we stay in love. We begin to “see” that our partner has faults, habits that bug us, and ways that might even turn us off. Faults are exposed; wounds like anger and depression are noticed. There are several reasons why the honeymoon ends and this work phase of the relationship begins.
Falling out of love is often as natural and “easy” as falling in love, especially if the couple’s expectations of what love can or should brings is too high. Every marriage is doomed to some disillusionment. “And they lived happily ever after” is one of the most tragic sentences in literature because it speaks a certain falsehood about life and love and sets up expectations that are not at all possible for frail human beings. Marriage counselling is really needed when these disappoints begin to appear.
And so the dance of wounds begins. The fight will be to get my partner back to where he or she was when all was well and love was strong; the fight is to feel those feelings of being in love again, when I was cared for, desired, appreciated, understood. The dance of love is ending and the dance of wounds has begun. Communication begins to spiral in the negative direction, and word leads to heated word, tone brings on angry tone, and look provokes hurtful look. Both blame the other. Rarely does either see their own contribution to the problem, and soon a repetitive, negative communication pattern develops.
People come to couples therapy complaining about their relationship and/or sex life, and how it has evolved from when they were first in love. One of the first red flags in the loss of initial love in a couple relationship is communication. Cognitive behavioural wounds also present themselves.
Change and growth and healing are possible with couples who trust and love and want to change and grow. Coming early to counselling is the best guarantee of success. Marriage counselling or couples therapy can revitalize love.
Chapter 5: Dance of Wounds
“The more I _________, the more you _________ and then the more I _________, and round and round we go.”
- Sue Johnson
The Dance of Wounds
When the honeymoon begins to wane and one partner begins to get the impression that these primary needs are ignored too much by the other partner, it can create what is called primary distress and the dance of wounds begins. The fight is on! In this chapter Martin presents the dance of wounds or simply put, the fighting most couples follow. This is where marriage counselling might be a good idea, before these fights get too dirty.
These conflictual interactions tend to be reciprocal, patterned, spiral, and repetitive. The action of one partner causes a reaction in the other partner. This dance is reciprocal in that one event modifies another which in turn modifies the first. It is never possible to find out who really started it, although couples at the beginning of therapy are most willing to point fingers and shout that it is “all your fault!”
The dance of wounds is a power struggle, nay, a struggle for survival, fueled by the fear of loss. I fear that if I lose your love and your partnership, I will lose a whole lot of myself. Often, in couples therapy, partners tell me how frustrated and resentful they are to allow themselves to be so affected by what their partner might say and do.
What is going on here is, in fact, family of origin pre-existent wounds are playing in the relationships and, as a result, needs and expectations are left unfulfilled, love feels deprived and the closeness that used to be that “falling in love” has gone out the window. Neither partner is mindful enough to stop the dance, or still too fearful to begin couples therapy in order to take the time to see what is going on between them, let alone to become aware of their own contribution to the problem or to know their own steps in the dance of wounds.
As the honeymoon comes to an end and the veil of illusion falls away, the dance of wounds moves into high gear. This can open a wonderful opportunity for partners to examine and work on unfinished business and unresolved family of origin issues. Any call for growth and change needs to be, first and foremost, a call to look at and change oneself. Cognitive behavioural therapy or anger management might be needed.
When I make myself a better person, be that through psychotherapy or counselling, and I can secure a better self understanding, I also become a better mate and lover for my partner.
Chapter 6: Self-Awareness
"To name my wound, claim my wound, and heal my wound by being aware of it and thoughtful of how it functions in the couple relationship is the dawning of insight and movement towards a more secure pattern.” - Dr. Rovers
To find out how to do this and become more self aware, check out this chapter on self-awareness in relationships.
Know Thyself
“Know thyself” are the wise and guiding words of Socrates. In this chapter Martin calls couples to the need to wake up, to know ourselves, and to understand their own contribution to the marriage problem. The journey to love and fulfillment in life begins with an understanding of oneself. Self-insight is the ability to accept one’s disagreeable as well as desirable qualities. Perhaps I have anger management issues, or depression, or I went to family therapy years ago.
Partners cannot solve couple problems by staying at the same level of self awareness, the same level of interaction. Someone will have to start looking at the issues from different perspectives and with an open curiosity about the development of these couple issues. This is where marriage counselling can help.
Most couples come to couples therapy and begin the conversation with the word “you!!” And the person’s finger is usually always pointing at their partner. “It is all your fault!”; “you have got to change!” We need to learn that I need to take responsibility for my own contribution to any problem or issue in the relationship with my partner. My wounds are born within my family of origin, and I need to take responsibility about how I will integrate my wounds. If there is to be love on earth, it has to begin with me.
In order to know myself better and become a more objective observer of myself as I am present in my relationship with my partner, I need to study myself, especially within the context of my family of origin. We all want to understand “why” I am as I am, doing what I am doing. Doing my own family of origin work is difficult. Psychotherapy or counselling can help me see my wounds as they are.
One way to do this research on your own family is to do your family map or genogram. This can help me to name my wound, claim my wound and heal my wound by being aware of it and thoughtful of how it functions in the couple relationship is the dawning of insight and movement towards a more mature, secure, differentiated attachment pattern. We each have a wound or two. By naming this, we can move the dance of wounds into a dance of love again.
Chapter 7: Communication
Many couples state that their biggest trouble area is communication. Try as they might, they find themselves bypassing each other with their words. The end result is that they both feel unheard. Find out why this happens in the chapter below, as well as guidelines for effective and connecting communication.
Communication
Communication is the life blood in the creating, maintaining and growth of couple relationships. In this chapter Martin expounds on the nature and need for communication in couple relationships and suggests that this can often best be learned in couples counselling.
Communication is that circulation within the couple relationship that brings necessary oxygen, nutrients, healing medication, and love to the development of a couple, and communication is that flow that eliminates poisons, wastes, and hurt so that a couple can live healthily. Without communication, a couple would fall into silence, wither away and die. More importantly, conversation fulfills one of our most important emotional needs, the need to know and be known. Emotionally focused couples therapy is great to help partners learn to communicate. Communication is also the mediation of differences.
Communication is, at the same time, a learned behaviour, a basic life skill, and an art form. We learned communication within our family of origin, be that for better or worse. Each one of us has the ability to change. We have to move from the old family rules, beliefs, stances of communication, ways of resolving differences, and conflicts, to a restructuring of our communication patterns. Counselling and psychotherapy can help me learn better ways to communicate, or cognitive therapy can teach me better communication tools.
Martin presents three simple rules that make up the core theory of good communication in couple relationships so that love can grow and partners can thrive. These rules are: 1) talk nice; 2) listen well; and 3) don’t be scared. Communication in relationships is about knowing my partner better. This requires talking and listening.
Martin introduces his Dialogue Wheel as one means to improved communication between partners and within families. “I am listening” is one of the better definitions of love. Couple communication needs to strive for and accept nothing less than a win-win outcome so that both partners feel part of and significant in the dialogue. The feeling of winning-winning is that feeling that enhances and strengthens couple relationship and love. Often couples can benefit from marriage counselling or couples therapy to learn and practice good communication.
Chapter 8: Emotional Connectedness
“Being the “best you can be” is really only possible when you are deeply connected to another. Splendid isolation is for planets, not people.” - Sue Johnson
Read below to find out ways in which Dr. Rovers recommends building emotional connectedness between you and your partner, or even tips for building connectedness with friends and family.
Emotional Connectedness
In this chapter, Martin outlines emotional connectedness as needed within couple relationships. Intimacy is described as the ability to be yourself in a relationship and to allow my partner to do the same. Emotional connectedness is the ability to balance individuation and intimacy / togetherness in such a way that we can both live and love with a good understanding and appreciation of who we are. We need to do this loving in a space that is secure for both partners. Couples counselling is often needed for partners to best understand each others’ emotional needs. Harmonious couple relationships are, in their essence, emotional connections in a safe and trusting meeting place. Emotionally focused couples therapy helps partners create a safe relationship.
It takes two to make love and two to fight, and I sincerely believe that, for the most part, we dance this dance of intimacy, and its corresponding dance of wounds, in equal portions. When couple relationships get stuck and negative spirals seem to be the rule for the relationship, the challenge to change the steps of the couple dance is of utmost urgency for the couple. When both partners admit fault, like insecure attachment style or trauma, seek repair, and greater emotional connectedness, the dance of wounds can become a tango of love again.
When the dance of wounds is fully operative, couples are caught in negative interactional cycles such as criticize and withdraw, over-responsible and under-responsible, pursue and flee. One can never figure out who went first in such a negative spiral. Sure, partners are very willing to point the finger and blame their partner with lines like, “You started it when you....”, but the truth is not at all so clear, for both partners often use a long litany of defences like, “Yes, but you first did....”. Often couples stay stuck at this level of blaming the other, and marriage therapy will be needed.
Unlike negative spirals, positive spirals need to be built, block by thoughtful block, step by conscious step, stage by loving stage. There needs to be a willingness to want. The first step in the dance of re-creation of the relationship requires an intimate, continuous, reliable, and predictable relationship with another so that the person can feel secure and loved enough to open up and talk about their wounds so that healing can now begin.
So, who goes first? It takes courage to signal one’s dissatisfaction within the couple relationship and even more so to tell your partner that you want to try couple counselling to rebuild love.
Chapter 9: Spirituality and Forgiveness
Spirituality and Forgiveness
If the primary dynamic of couple relationships is love, and if we are of the belief that God is love, it would make great sense to find a meaningful place for spirituality in the development of couple relationships. In this chapter Martin outlines roles for spirituality and forgiveness within couple relationships.
Spirituality is all about God with us in whatever specific terms we may choose to express our experience of God. It can be a spiritual experience for couples to share emotional and physical intimacy, to give birth to a child, to share honestly with each other, to care for frail parents, partners and children, to give and receive love and forgiveness.
Spirituality may be one of the untapped springs of change and healing in couple relationships. The essential purpose of spirituality is to liberate us from clinging to a narrow, conditioned, self-defined perception established by our past, like old wounds of depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress, anger management, and more.
The longing to know another and the desire to be known by another are powerful indeed. Authenticity and empathy are necessary couple values. The best thing about marriage is that my partner knows me and the worst thing about marriage is that my partner knows me. To truly know my partner can mean going to couples counselling.
No couple escapes conflict and frustration within the relationship and partners need to seek and grant forgiveness in order to re-establish peace at various points along their journey. The hardest offenses to forgive are those that touch my own past family of origin wounds, for unredeemed wounds are usually covered in strong defensive reactions. Partners need a strong sense of individuation and connectedness to accept their faults and vulnerabilities, and, at times, marriage therapy.
Forgiveness is seen more as internal and intrapersonal while reconciliation is interpersonal. Forgiveness is granted while reconciliation needs to be achieved. Forgiveness is often followed by reconciliation but not always.
Martin outlines a seven step process that moves from forgiveness to reconciliation. These steps are depicted as: 1) impact; 2) know thyself again; 3) decision to forgive; 4) opening the couple dialogue; 5) conversations of forgiveness and reconciliation; 6) discovering new meaning in old wounds; and 7) a new future.
