As I mentioned in my last article, our task as parents is to show up for our kids, provide them with a sense of security and prepare them to function well enough in the world. One of the many aspects of successful parenting is to teach children to manage their behaviour, while still engaging in life, having fun and feeling good about themselves. Another tall order! Although many people may not know the theories behind behaviourism almost everyone knows instinctively that things that feel good are likely to be repeated while things that less pleasant are not. We are hard-wired for approval and for connection and often our actions dictate how well we are able to get those needs met. Research has shown that the parenting style with the best outcomes in terms of child development is “authoritative” a sort of hybrid between authoritarian “I’m the boss and you’ll do what I say” and permissive “You can do whatever you want”.

 Authoritative parenting is equally high on control and on warmth. In other words authoritative parents are engaged with and aware of their children and take an active participative role with them. They see what is going on and guide their children to make better choices or stop problem behaviors in a loving yet firm manner. They are giving their children the message that they are safe and important. Punishment has been shown to be much less effective than logical consequences in managing behavior. Punishment elicits fear. Logical consequences elicit understanding. This is true regardless of age or circumstance. When a teething baby starts biting, the breast, the face, the neck or some other body part of the person that is holding him it hurts. The logical consequence of this is for that person to exclaim, “Ouch!” and to remove the baby’s mouth from whatever she’s biting and to say, “No biting”. This gives a very clear message that the behaviour is not acceptable and will not be allowed. The baby is bound to try biting again but if he receives the same message each time he will learn to stop the behavior. Likewise, when a toddler approaches something that is dangerous or not appropriate to touch the authoritative parent intercepts the child and redirects her to something more appropriate with a clear message about what’s expected. This is more effective than yelling from across the room for the little one to stop what he’s doing.

With our actions we tell children that we are paying attention to them and want to enjoy appropriate activities with them. When preschoolers start engaging with other children and learning about how to play together, share, and get along there are so many teachable moments. Tugs of war over coveted toys are only annoyances if the adults involved see them this way. Taking turns is a great way to help children learn frustration tolerance and resourcefulness. At this stage the time-out often comes into use. Time-outs are not banishments. Hopefully, they are used as pauses to help children get themselves under control and learn that certain behaviours are not acceptable. If two 3 year olds are playing and one of them gets frustrated and hits the other one with a toy, it would be a logical consequence for the adult to step in and say, “No hitting” and sit the child in a quieter spot to calm down. The adult would remain close by or even sit with the child, but would give the message that this time is for her to settle down and find a more appropriate way to express her frustration. During the time out, discussion should be at a minimum. After the child is calmer however, a short discussion needs to happen to teach the child what was wrong and what to do better next time. Unacceptable behaviour is the focus. There are no unacceptable or bad children. The message should be, “This behaviour is harmful and I can’t allow you to engage in it. I can help you figure out what else to do, though.”

There are logical consequences for just about everything and they are golden teaching moments. A child who takes something from the store without paying for it has to go back and return it and apologize. A child who won’t eat the healthy food offered at meal or snack time doesn’t get dessert or treats between meals. A child who can’t wake up in the morning in time to get ready for school on time would probably benefit from an earlier bedtime. A child who procrastinates and doesn’t do his homework might need a regular supervised homework time before any TV or game time. A child who whines might have adults refuse to try to answer her request until she asks without whining. A child who tells lies may well need greater supervision until the adults involved have a better handle on what is really going on.A teen that skips school could have his parent accompany him to school the following day to make sure he gets to all of his classes. A teen that is rude and disrespectful might need to spend more time at home with parents and family members to bone up on family values. A student who gets drunk at the high school dance may not be mature enough for these kinds of activities and may need to sit the next one out. Everybody needs to sleep well at night, so no electronics are permitted in bedrooms. These are all logical consequences.

Of course, the flip side of logical consequences is praise. Make sure you notice what your children do right and let them know you see it and appreciate it. Say “Yes” unless there is a good reason to say “No.” Show them that you enjoy them and like being around them. Include them in dinner time conversation, vacations, and social gatherings. Model the values that you are promoting. Admit your mistakes and apologize. Be a family that accepts its members in all their differences and knows that everybody can learn, grow and achieve in their own style. Expect positives. You have probably noticed that all of these strategies require a lot of time, attention and consistency on the part of parents and other caregivers. They do. If you start when your children are small the rewards for your commitment and dedication will show in your children. They will trust you to be fair, consistent and aware of what is going on. They will know how important they are to you because you will have consistently taken the time for them at every stage along the way.