Tap to Call
For Greater Happiness…Look Inward
Written By: Judy Kiar, M.A., Psychotherapist, Capital Choice Counselling Group
We live in a consumer age. We have become accustomed to looking for, and often finding, a quick fix to almost every problem. With the vast, rich resources made available to us by the World Wide Web, we can find products, information, solutions, suggestions, opinions, reviews and comparisons for just about everything. We can buy whatever our hearts desire without leaving the comforts of home with the click of a finger.
Despite all this instant gratification, people don’t seem to be a lot happier. In fact, many people seem increasingly disillusioned and disconnected from other people and even from themselves. They want to be happy and they have ideas about what might make them happy, but they are finding happiness itself to be somewhat elusive. There is a lot of stress and there is a lot of pressure and there are a lot of demands on our time and energy. One would think that all the technological advances and instant access would make life better, but sadly, it doesn’t.
So, what does make people happy? The answer, in short, is that people do. Humans are hardwired to connect with others. From infancy through old age, we need to feel that we are known, cared about and understood. Humans are also designed to be thoughtful and to make meaning from our experiences. In this way, we gain happiness from being ourselves and living out our values and beliefs. One of the problems that we face today is the huge invasion of images and suggestions that we should be perfect in all sorts of ways. Women struggle under the social expectation that we should be attractive, thin, sexy, fit, healthy, smart, career-oriented, family-oriented, innocent, worldly, chaste, experienced, sexually uninhibited and sexually inhibited, maternal, loving, nurturing and tough and, in all things, competent. At the same time, we are supposed to remember to defer to men in the workplace and at home so as not to be seen as “ball breakers” or “castrating bitches!” No wonder we’re not happy!
Men of course, also, have a long list of unrealistic and unhealthy social expectations from not being weak or “girly” to being good providers, sexual Adonis’s, household repairmen, problem solvers, and protectors as well as jumping into the more female roles of nurturing parents, good listeners, cooks, housemates all the while managing careers and running the world. Another pretty tall order! Both men and women consciously or unconsciously compare themselves to the societal ideals that they are exposed to. We rate and judge ourselves and each other based on the messages that we have taken in. Not surprisingly, we don’t often match up to the list of what we think it means to be good enough. This causes us distress. We feel bad about ourselves. We feel shame. We want to hide our “failings” so others will not see them and reject us. It’s no wonder we don’t feel particularly happy.
I think, because these societal expectations are so insidious, most of us don’t even realize its happening. We don’t challenge them because to us they just seem “normal.” Instead, we tend to think that something must be missing from our lives to account for our dissatisfied state. We tend to look outward for our happiness. We think that more stuff, more attention, more sex, more food, drugs, alcohol, more exercise, and more love will solve our discontent. We consume. While most of us can relate to the short-term high of a new acquisition or a romantic interlude these things don’t tend to provide the lasting happiness that we believe we should have.
So, we keep buying, searching, demanding, expecting, hoping and being disappointed. The truth is, happiness is an inside job. It is more about who we are and less about what we have or what other people do for us. Happiness is the opposite of feeling shame and embarrassment about who we really are inside. Happiness comes from the ability to make peace with our reality, our strengths and also our weakness, our quirks as well as our traits that are more mainstream. There are so many differences as well as commonalities between individuals and groups. Despite our vast global access to difference we persist in expecting others to operate the way that we think they “should.” We continue to expect ourselves to act according to societal norms, even if they just don’t work for us. An example of this happens in my therapy room almost every day. Clients often start to tear up or cry because they are so unhappy. Then, they look up at me and apologize. Their social construct tells them that they are not supposed to burden another person with their tears, so despite their sadness, and the fact that they are paying me to listen to their problems, my clients feel ashamed and embarrassed. While their unhappiness is normal and probably even healthy, it induces shame. It seems to me that people would experience much greater happiness if they made peace with who they are, messy emotions and all, and didn’t get caught in the shame trap. Some people are loud and gregarious, while others are quiet and shy. Some people are academics, while some are scatterbrained or creative. Some people are good cooks, while some can barely boil water. It’s all of the same value, really. These things are just traits; they don’t need to be so heavily imbued with judgment.
So, my prescription for happiness is this. Make peace with whoever you are. If you are sensitive, need a lot of reassurance, quiet, aloof, goofy, smart, learning disabled, thin, chunky, athletic or geeky make peace with who you are. Learn to celebrate being you rather than apologizing for yourself and feeling ashamed. I am not suggesting that you treat others badly and justify it by saying “That’s just who I am.” I’m
suggesting that you tune in to who you really are on the inside and then be honest about that with yourself and the people around you. When you burst into tears at the toilet paper commercial in front of your new boyfriend, instead of dying of embarrassment, just give him a smile through your tears and say, “That’s just me, I’ve always had a tender heart when it comes to fluffy white kittens” and move on. Don’t waste your life feeling bad about who you are. Strive to be the person you want to be. Take ownership of your own happiness. Look inwards. Have the courage to stand up for yourself against societal/media pressures and expectations.
suggesting that you tune in to who you really are on the inside and then be honest about that with yourself and the people around you. When you burst into tears at the toilet paper commercial in front of your new boyfriend, instead of dying of embarrassment, just give him a smile through your tears and say, “That’s just me, I’ve always had a tender heart when it comes to fluffy white kittens” and move on. Don’t waste your life feeling bad about who you are. Strive to be the person you want to be. Take ownership of your own happiness. Look inwards. Have the courage to stand up for yourself against societal/media pressures and expectations.
Don’t engage in behaviours to try to numb your feelings. Make peace with your feelings. Face the fact that you are a miraculous being. Next time you see a brand new baby think about that tiny little bundle of perfection. That is you. We face huge challenges when we are confronted on a daily basis with the whole world and all its offerings, both good and bad. It’s hard to feel significant and worthwhile against that backdrop. At least some of the time turn the world off and tune in to you. Look inward for your sense of perspective and peace. Stop judging yourself or buying into the judgments of others (real or imagined) and practice being you. Therein lies the path to happiness.
Judy Kiar is a psychotherapist with Capital Choice Counselling Group in the Ottawa South area. She received her Master’s of Pastoral Counselling from Saint Paul University in 2000, with a specialization in couple and family therapy.